


Golden Light

by DeepPerplexity



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Snapedom - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fighting, HEA, Love, Other, Pre-War, Some Fluff, Spinner's End, Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29757000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeepPerplexity/pseuds/DeepPerplexity
Summary: Request:hi! could you write some sev x reader where they get into a really bad argument and the reader is very hurt and needs to take some time alone and then severus tries to make everything right again? angst with a happy ending please my heart can’t take heartbreak //Nonny@tumblrSummary:He never listened to you, he didn't trust in others and it drove a wedge between you. You wanted to knowhim, his feelings and thoughts - you didn't care about the other stuff. The secret meetings and missions. But he didn't listen so he didn't understand what you were asking for. After a specifically horrible fight, you left, took some time away from him and he came to find you only to declare himself a fool before he took you back home and finally opened up to you. Talked with you through the night.
Relationships: Severus Snape/Reader, Severus Snape/You
Kudos: 16
Collections: Reader Insert, Snape and Reader Collection





	Golden Light

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Gosh, thank you Nonny from tumblr for this request! This was both difficult and fun to write. I hope you all will enjoy it! <3 
> 
> Do comment what you think, if you want to, as it means a lot to hear what my readers think! :D <3 
> 
> **Setting:** Spinner’s End, 1997
> 
> **ABBR.:** | Y/N - Your Name |

* * *

“You never listen!” you shrieked as you glared at him. He had the nerve to look unruffled by your high tone and accusation.  
“I do-”  
“No! No, you don’t! You don’t listen Severus and that’s the problem!” You wanted to lunge at the brooding man clad in his billowing travel cloak. He was leaving, again, to attend some secret meeting in some distant location with Merlin knew who and you were so sick and tired of it. You wanted to chain him to the house until he talked with you, and listened to what you had to say. For once. 

“Darling, I assure you-”  
“Don’t you dare!” you pointed your finger at him, furious. He did this every time. He talked you down, tried to make you see it differently, tried to keep you quiet and happy with whatever he gave you. _Not this time._ All you wanted was to be close to him, know him, know what was going on in his life as you were in it all the way. Yet that didn’t mean you got a lot of his time or _him_. Barely any in fact. He was always away. At Hogwarts, meetings, missions - not that you cared what was said or done during the meetings. Or even who was there. That’s not what you wanted to know or hear about. 

“I just want to know you-”  
“I can not tell you, love. You know I can not. For your safety.” You wiped at the tears that were falling out of anger and rolled down your cheeks before they dripped from your chin. He looked unfaced. The mask of a double spy already in place as he prepared to leave you once more without hearing you.  
“I don’t care about my damn safety when I can’t have you, be with you!” you screamed as your hands fisted by your sides. His shoulders sunk a tad and he looked hurt. _I’m fucking hurt!_  
“You never talk to me! I don’t know anything about you, Severus! You always shut me out even though you want me to tell you about every single little thing! _It’s not fair!_ ” Your voice was broken, sobs escaped you and it was hard to breathe as he just looked at you without any inclination of wanting to speak with you. Ease your pain. 

Severus sighed but didn’t move more than grabbing at his arm as his face hardened. The Dark Lord was calling for him and you knew he would walk out that door no matter what you said or did. Your heart hurt, your stomach was in knots with worry over him but also worry over your relationship. Where were you heading if there was no time, communication or trust? 

“Darling, I have to…” His dark voice was a rumble that made you shiver, just as it had done for the past years, since the first time you heard it. He always made you weak with want.  
“Just, go. I, need time.” He stiffened at your words as you broke eye contact with him. You didn’t want him to see the pure pain that slashed in you over his indifference. His reluctance to let you in. Was it really too much to ask to know the man you loved, who claimed he loved you beyond everything else? No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t too much to ask but if he could not give himself to you, what were you to do? Leave him? You couldn’t. You’d always be his yet this had to stop. One way or another. 

His cold hand stroked with gentle fingers down your cheek to wipe away the tears that lingered there. You turned your head away as you hugged yourself through a shaky breath.  
“Go,” you squeezed out, “I need time to, figure this shit out. I’ll go to my mother’s.” He sighed again, deeply.  
“Love, please,” he growled in a low tone and you knew his arm was aching as his hand were fisting and unfisting in your peripheral.  
“Don’t come after me.” You turned and left him in the hallway. You stopped right inside of the doorway to the kitchen, you fought with all your strength to not break down and cry. The moment the door closed in the hallway and he was gone again your knees buckled and you crumbled to the floor with a wailing, shattering sound that vibrated from the depths of your chest through the entire house. 

After a few long moments when you had cried and sobbed, hugged yourself and allowed the tears to stream freely you went upstairs and started to pack your bag. You had no idea how long you would be gone but you knew you needed to get away from him and have some space to figure it all out. He needed the space too. He needed to realise that a relationship took trust, even if that was a hard thing for him to give. You knew that, understood that to some degree even if he hadn’t let you in and explained why. But, nonetheless, you were not like everyone else. You truly loved him, deeply and passionately, you wanted his trust and you wanted to give him your full trust continuously. It was just not that simple, apparently. And that hurt, fiercely. 

**_…Three days later…_ **

“Sweetheart, he adores you, he loves you. It will be okay.” You smiled at your mother as you were snuggled up on the little wooden bench on the back porch with a blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Your mother had been understanding and caring, but still gave you space to figure things out and think. The time moved so slow and every second was painful as you were separated from Severus. You wanted to yield and just be with him, that little piece he gave you of himself. You loved him and you knew that, truly. But you were tired of getting your heart broken over and over and over. It hurt too much. 

“I just don’t know if I can, if I can deal with what little he gives me.” You glanced at your mother who sat crosslegged on the edge of the bench by your curled up feet.  
“Sweetheart, have you turned it around?” You knitted your brows at her words.  
“What?”  
“Turn it around. Think about what he _has_ given to you, what he has sacrificed to be with you and have you in his life. What he goes through every single day to have your love.” You both were quiet for a little moment as you thought about it. Your mother wasn’t wrong but that was still not enough. You needed more, more of him. 

“I do not claim to know Severus, I don’t really,” your mother continued, “But let me just say, he loves you madly. Just as you love him madly. You have given me very little information, I know it’s for my safety and his, but from what you have told me about secret meetings that are dangerous and even possibly lethal he must carry quite a weight over his shoulders with concern for your safety.” you knitted you brows at him and she continued, “If I were him, if I put the one I love in mortal danger each and every day just by being with them I think I would have left. To make it easier and safer. But his love, it’s so strong and deep that he hasn’t done that. Despite it all, he is with you in theses dark and dangerous times. He’s with you, as much as he can. Do you see what I mean?” Your mother spoke with a gentle smile aimed at you and you couldn’t help the silent tears that flowed again. You simply nodded, because you knew, you understood what she was getting at now. It hurt to think about the pain you caused him by just loving him. 

Your mother left you to your own thoughts as the tears dried up and left you with red and swollen eyes. You wanted to go to him, be with him, be held by him and apologies for the way you had acted. But, you also knew that nothing had changed. It still killed you, shattered you, to not know him and not have him in a way that mattered more to you than his physical presence. He was a mere whisper to you out of the full song you knew was him. You wanted the song, with all the complicated lyrics and high notes mixed with the low ones. You needed more and rightly so. He had more of you, he had more and it pained you that you did not have that of him. 

You shuddered as dusk settled and the evening chill strode in. The blanket wasn’t quite enough to keep you warm yet you couldn’t seem to move from the bench as a numbness had started to fill your heart. _Is this is? Is this all I will ever have of him? It’s not enough. It’s not enough, I want more, I need more. I can’t live like this._ The thoughts made you sigh as you looked out over the back garden that was being consumed by darkness as night came. 

A small _swoosh_ was heard and there he was. Severus. He was stood at the end of the garden like a dark cloud of warmth. You jolted ever so slightly and blinked, confused. Were you imagining him?  
“Love,” he whispered in that thunderous voice of his that reach all the way to you and your heart leapt. In an instant, you had abandoned the bench and the blanket, your feet lead you down the stairs and he met you halfway through the garden in a strong embrace as new tears welled up and you sobbed into his chest as his arms crushed you to him.  
“Love, I’m sorry, I can not stay away any longer. Please,” he breathed into your hair as he held you as close as could be.  
“Sev…” 

You stood there for a long moment, held by each other as you both took comfort from the closeness. But you could not allow him to sweep you off your feet again. So after another moment you stepped back and he reluctantly let you out of his embrace but his hands remained on your hips as yours were placed on his chest where you could feel his breaths and the beating of his wonderful heart. The heart you wanted access to, completely. 

“I am sorry,” he whispered as one hand rose to your chin and he tilted your head back. You were nearly lost in the swirling depths of his onyx eyes that appeared black in the darkness. His hair was greasier than you had seen it in a long while, his skin as pale as ever and he looked as if he were in immense pain.  
“Severus, that’s not enough,” you whispered back as you had resolved yourself to not giving in yet again. You deserved more than scraps of the man you loved so dearly and he deserved to feel cared for even after someone knew his dark secrets. Knew his emotions and thoughts that he guarded like Cerberus guarded the underworld if you listened to muggles in Greece. 

He sighed as his dark eyes searched yours. You let him. You kept eye contact and didn’t shy away as your emotions were laid bare in your own eyes. He shuddered and you shivered as a tear rolled down his cheek silently.  
“I can not tell you, darling, I can not do such a thing with a good conscience.” You sighed at his refusal and that void that had been growing in your heart expanded.  
“If you know... Love, if you know what goes on in those meetings, during my mission, if you know these things-”  
“Wait, no, I don’t care about that stuff.” You knitted your brows as his rose ever so slightly.  
“Then why are we arguing?” He sounded confused and pondering. You groaned.  
“Because _you. don’t. listen.,_ ” you gritted out as your hands hardened against his chest. 

He had truly not been hearing you _at all_. You had told him time and time again what you wanted to know. You had asked him time and time again how he was feeling, what he was thinking, what he felt about an endless array of things. Never had you asked to know what happened at the meetings, what he did during his missions or who he met - not once. You sighed and stepped forward so you could lean your forehead against his shoulder. He took the opportunity to wrap his arms around you again. 

“I’m, confused,” he muttered and you chuckled.  
“Tell me, Sev, what have I asked you?”  
“I-, well you have asked me a lot of things, love.” You sighed on another chuckle. He had no clue what you had been asking because he had not been actively listening, he had just tried to shut you down and assumed you wanted to know information rather than emotions and feelings; thoughts.  
“I have asked you to share yourself with me, Severus. I have asked for you, for your emotions and thoughts. Nothing else.” He sighed and kissed the side of your head.  
“I am a fool,” he muttered a moment later and you chuckled for the third time as you quite frankly agreed with him at that moment. 

**_…Back at Spinner’s End…_ **

You both sat down on the couch after having returned home and taken a shower together, in silence. He had asked you to give him a chance, back at your mother’s house, to understand and try again. It had taken a little convincing because you wanted to make sure he was not simply trying to get you back home with him (even if, honestly, that was all you wanted after having been separated for three days by a stupid argument that hurt so badly). You had agreed on the premises that he talked with you and _listened_ to you so he could stop being a fool. He had agreed to that in return. 

He moved closer to your end of the couch and pulled you into his side. He cradled you against his chest and you were quite content with being there. You wanted to just enjoy him again and be blissfully happy at the moment - but you knew you couldn’t allow that. So you took a breath and he stiffened.  
“Sev,” you said as your hand rested gently on his thigh, “tell me how you feel.”  
“You want to know how I feel?”  
“Yes, how you feel, what you’re thinking, experiencing, where you are emotionally. I want to know _you_ ,” you stated with sincerity. He adjusted his position so he could pull you even closer. You waited. 

“This is what I need to do to keep you in my life? Talk about what I feel?” he asked on a low rumble, you nodded, “You just want to know _me_?” You nodded again.  
“That’s all, I want to know the man I love. Not what he does, hears or where he goes. I just want to know _you_.” _Please just let me know you, Sev…_  
“I, think I can do that.” You smiled at his hesitant words and understood that he would be struggling for a long time to put words on things he felt more often as he never did so before. But perhaps, you would at least get a glimpse this evening.

Severus always kept to himself, the dark and brooding type with secrets. Deep, dark, horrible secrets that were edged with pain or danger. Memories that he had hidden and kept hidden for years. That was the man you had fallen in love with but that was not the man you would stay in love for. That man was starting to show through. You listened intently as he softly and carefully began to talk about trivial emotions, small things really. But it was a start. 

So you leaned into him, relaxed and allowed him to stroke your arm, kiss the top of your head and lean his cheek against it after as his other hand grabbed onto the one you had had resting on his thigh. As the night drew on and you were closing in on dawn his grip on you tightened gradually, as if he was afraid you would leave as he let you hear about his dark secrets and tiny joyful moments. His past, his present, his hope for the future. A future he wanted to spend with you. 

Your hand held onto his a little tighter at that point.  
“Severus, honey, there is no way I will let you have a future that I’m not in. I’m with you forever and always. As long as you let me be with you and love you, I will.” Your words made him shake with withheld emotions as he buried his hooked nose in your neck and inhaled a shaky breath that was strangled by a low sob.  
“I love you, (y/n).” His breath warmed your skin before he kissed you gently at the junction of your neck and shoulder.  
“And I love you, forever, Severus.” You held onto him as the first light of day shined in through the dirty windows and graced your tangled bodies with a golden light of hope. 


End file.
